Criss Cross!

Strangers on a Train Starring: Nobody still alive Director: Alfred "Cock" Hitchcock Rating: zzzz Warning: Heavy Sarcasm ahead... For anyone who has seen the great Billy Crystal, Danny Devito vehicle Throw Momma from the Train, Alfred Hitchcock's Strangers on a Train shouldn't look too foreign--for two reasons. Not only did Danny DeVito get his idea for "swapping murders" from the Hitchcock movie (You do my murder, I do yours....criss-cross!), but some would argue that Throw Momma is just a 1980's comedic update of Strangers. I, for one, don't care. And because I'm not a Hitchcock historian, or even a film student, I probably know less about Hitch than one would learn in a half hour of boring lecture from Dr. Filmsenshit at Northeastern Tuboobs Tech. So, let's take a crack at this one like M. Night Shamalamadingdong--haphazard, half-assed, and without remorse. The picture show begins rather innocently enough, with the piercing shreik of a train whistle. Another masterful move from the cigar-chompin mysogino. As we are whisked between the two men destined to meet on the train, it should be said that Hitch shows neither their faces, nor gives us any indication of who is who. Hence STRANGERS on a TRAIN. Is this man brilliant or what? Geez, Hitch, why not just hit us over the head with a murder weapon you're at it? When our two main characters, Bruno Anthony and Guy Haines (Robert Walker and Farley Grainger, respectively) finally meet, it is quickly apparent who is doing the duping and who is the dupe. Guy, a world-class athlete and future politician, is hardly disturbed by Bruno's knowledge of his entire life, and all of the problems therein. Bruno's slick talking sales pitch has, at first, very much to do with flattery and very little to do with a murder scheme. But, as is always the case with a classic, we get around to the point within a minute or two. Bruno wants Guy to kill his father, and in return, Bruno will kill Guy's adulterous wife. Though one might wonder why Guy doesn't, at this point, immediately shout out "Secourity", ol' Hitch apparently didn't care enough to go there. In his defense, this whole movie is based on a book...but that didn't ever stop Kubrick from going buck-wild, now did it? Back to the plot... As Guy tries desperately to forget the madman he met on the train, Bruno plans a cold-blooded murder that will leave his victim gasping in silence. After he completes the deed, it is up to Guy to decide if he should reciprocate the favor. Tailed by the police, suspected by his girlfriend Anne(Ruth Roman), and hounded by Bruno himself, Guy must clear his name and stay alive in the shadow of a psychotic killer. In true Hitchcock form, the film ends on a thrill-ride high note--aboard a merry-go-round from Hades, no less. Alright, from here I'm pretty stuck. I've been trying hard to write reviews this week, but two things have gotten in my way: 1) I drank Coca-Cola (about a liter of it) last Saturday. Ever since then, my brains have been an entire scrambled egg. No Joke...This is your brain. This is your brain on caffeine...Coffee Kills (that's my motto)! 2) I'm still steaming that my boss doesn't want me to write reviews for the company. Ever since that day, I've been struggling to get more than 50 words out about a movie. I'm doing my best just to hold my shit together and not go off at the boss. Well, back to ennui. One point of note. Robert Walker, who played Bruno Anthony in this one, died from "an adverse reaction to prescripion drugs," shortly after making Strangers. Take that as a lesson, all you Codeine chompin' Xanax fiends. Crime doesn't pay, and neither does abuse of prescription drugs. Or even abuse of caffeine. BTW, as I was researching this gem of a film, I noticed that there will be---surprise!---a remake! It's slated for 2006. Aren't we so damn lucky? Yeah...I thought so. You're not going, and neither am I... So it is set in stone, as I speak. The day that this piece of cash-in trash comes out on film will officially be "Stay at Home and Watch Hitch Day." To pay for this poor man's sins (who the f@#$ is this Noam Murro anyway, and who greenlighted him to take on the master of suspense?), I prescribe an adverse reaction to crap films, aka at least 2 movies from the big guy himself. Go to...get yours picked out and ready for this historical event. Oh, and I'll be submitting this review to the Pulitzer people...let 'em judge for themselves...